Who's Number One?

by Geoffrey Norman

So they must have cleaned up all that messy budget stuff, gotten everyone back to work, streamlined the delivery of health care, made sure that entitlements will be funded unto eternity, and provided for the rebuilding and repair of roads and bridges all across the land.

Now, before they rest from their labors, the lords and ladies of the Imperial City are taking on the formidable challenge of fixing the way the number one team in college football is determined.

And not a minute too soon.  Fans have lived too long in bondage to the BCS.  How long, oh Lord, how long must these sufferings – whereby worthy, small conference teams are denied their rightful place in the sun – go on?  How long must they scrounge for scraps of meat and crusts of bread while the big dogs from the SEC & Big 12 feast at the head table on the fatted calf and thick red wine, poured by lissome nymphs robed in diaphanous silks?

How long must the Utes and the Broncos wander the desert while the Longhorns, Gators, & Sooners rest their buns on thrones of gold and gnaw on figs and pomegranates?

Deliverance is at hand.  Washington is going to create a system whereby the ranking of college football teams is fair, transparent, sustainable, affordable, and does not discriminate against any team on the basis of speed in the secondary, beef on the O-line, or want-to at linebacker.  We shall have an affirmative action program that guarantees that the agile, mobile, and hostile will not have unfair advantage over the slow, weak, and timid. 

In a few short seasons, we will no doubt arrive at the point where the Nebraska Conrhuskers are crowned national champs in return for Ben Nelson's vote for a 2000-page piece of legislation that guarantees all Americans the right to unlimited free helpings of rainbow stew and a brand-new General Motors automobile, in their favorite school's colors, every year.  (Just think of the jobs that will create.)

One thing, though.  No matter what Congress does – and it is plainly capable of just about anything – the Tide is still number one. 

Comments

[Richard L.A. Schaefer]

It would seem that a playoff system would require the players playing even more games and risking their health even more than outlined in the cover story of Time magazine on what it calls the most dangerous sport. Even the NFL doesn't make Super Bowl players participate the week before in the Pro Bowl. In addition, the players should be paid, since the schools and colleges make so much money off their gladiators.

[Medialitz]

Comic/ Tragic at the same time

[Joseph]

Freakin' brilliant.

[Marietta Tiger]

The idea that the federal government could get involved in all this is atrocious, but let us not pretend that the BCS is anything but a broken system, when even an SEC team can -- and has, in 2004 -- run the table and still be shut out of the title game.

[MJ]

I get your point about not wanting Washington to stick it's big, fat, corrupt nose into college football. But if anyone's running and "affirmative action" program, it's the BCS. A play-off system is the opposite of favoritism.

[Cato]

Of all Obama's voluminous and ambitious political agenda, this is the only issue on which I hope he succeeds. Only a college football fan would understand what that means.

Richard wrote above, "It would seem that a playoff system would require the players playing even more games and risking their health." If you're genuinely concerned about the players' safety, then why aren't you agitating to cancel college football playoffs in the former Divisions IAA, II and III?

You see, college football indeed holds playoffs at every level -- except for Division I. There is no good reason why Division II and III players should be allowed to participate in playoffs, but those at the highest level should not. Heck, even high school and pee wee league teams have playoffs.

Mock Obama all you want for getting involved, but the fact remains that the BCS is a sad, old joke badly in need of revision.

[Vermont Woodchuck]

I thought we have a PowerBall game?

[speedboy]

The Tide may be number one, but like The Bear (bow head and genuflect), there is no NCAA endorsement. Until NCAA recognition, any winner of the BCS title remains a mythical national champion. This also applies to the pre-BCS era. Note that the other college football division champions are legitimate.

[Spud]

Great column.
This seems obvious, but I'll give it for those who may not know, as it's simply Jerry Maguire-ish: show me the money. Major bowl games are scheduled weeks ahead of time so that wealthy alumni can reward themselves with an extended vacation, watching their team and rubbing elbows with like-minded fanatics.

A playoff system would screw up the money formula, as alumni would either not have the time or money to attend two or more playoff bowl games. While TV money is nice, the host cities for the bowls rely on visitors staying for a few days. A playoff bowl would end up having some fans fly in early in the day and maybe stay overnight.

Colleges with major football programs have the rest of their sports department's budget paid for by football money. Many schools rely on general funding from alumni taking pride in their school's football team. Obama, Hatch and libs intent on "fairness" (and regulating something they have no business with) will not be successful getting in the way of the money flow. They may just find their own campaign money flow slow to a trickle.

[MSR]

The Tide is indeed number one.

[Dennis Lukas]

With this type of thinking maybe you would like Obama and Washington to tell you what to do every day. It seems to be their main job.

[Dave]

The Nebraska Cornhuskers don't need help from Ben Nelson and Congress. They should be ready to make a serious run at the National Championship in three or four years.

Now, if the Democrats would go after Barrasso and/or Enzi in exchange for rigging the system so that the University of Wyoming has a fast track to the National Championship game...